“Does your face light up…?”
Shared by Breanne Smedley
One of my greatest fears as a parent is that I will somehow ruin my future relationship with my daughter.
That what I intentionally or unintentionally do now will cause long-term resentment or a broken relationship.
That if I only knew now, that I could change something.
It causes me to second guess myself.
“Am I doing it right?”
“Should I have responded to her that way when she threw her broccoli on the floor?”
“Put your phone away, she shouldn’t see you on your phone.”
“Or maybe she should, so she can see how to have a healthy relationship with a phone.”
“Am I telling her ‘no’ too often? I should start saying ‘yes’ every once in a while.”
It can feel exhausting.
Charlee is only one, yet I’m already looking towards the teenage years with fear.
I want to raise her to know she is strong, capable, brave, and loved.
I want to develop curiosity and empathy in her.
I want her to feel empowered to use her voice and influence to do what brings her joy and create impact.
I want to have a strong relationship with her where she can be open and comfortable without the fear of judgment in my presence.
But, how?
Writer and novelist Toni Morrison passed away this week.
In the wake of her passing, a video was circulating of her on the Oprah show in 2000.
In the video, she explained that it’s interesting to watch what happens when a child walks into a room. She asked a simple question.
“Does your face light up?”
She continued. “When my children used to walk in the room when they were little, I looked at them to see if they had buckled their trousers or if their hair was combed or if their socks were up. You think your affection and your deep love is on display because you’re caring for them. It’s not. When they see you, they see the critical face. What’s wrong now?”
“Let your face speak what’s in your heart. When they walk in the room my face says I’m glad to see them. It’s just as small as that, you see?”
Her words immediately brought a lump to my throat and tears to my eyes.
A sense of gratitude washed over me.
That I have been able to hear this simple advice so early in Charlee’s life.
Because it will be a practice that I will think about every day.
What does my face tell my daughter each time she enters the room?
Is it critical?
Of how she’s dressed. What she’s doing. Focused on what we need to do next. Or caught up in my own stress.
Or does it convey how happy I am to see her. To be with her.
That’s how she will determine what her value is.
Not by what I say, but what she feels.
And that’s conveyed through countless opportunities a day.
In a time in my life when I can second guess everything I do when it comes to parenting, Toni’s words gave me something I can cling to.
A simple question with profound influence.
“Does your face light up?”
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#IntegrallyRelational
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