“Yes, I HEARD you…”

 

Shared by Kristina Smedley

“I know you HEARD me, but were you actually listening?”
Does this sound at all familiar?

I’m hoping it does and that I’m not just special to this situation. 

But, think back through your life, your work experiences, your education… has anyone ever taught you how to listen? To listen well?

Or, have they just checked to ensure your ears are working and that you can physically hear, assuming that means you can listen?

Did you know…

According to Burley-Allen, a listening researcher and teacher, we spend 40% of the communication process listening but are only 25% effective at listening. Only 25%! And we are formally trained in listening from 0 – .5 years throughout our lives.

She also found that we spend about 12 years of formal training on writing but writing is only used 9% of the time as the mode of communication. And I don’t think… WTF, LMK, IDK, TY (I despise that one… can’t we all just say ‘thank you’!), and YW count!

Although we likely don’t remember being taught how to be an extraordinary listener in that 0 – .5 years, we did learn family / cultural norms that still affect our listening ability today.

• “You’re too young to understand”
• “Look at me when I’m talking to you”
• “Don’t interrupt when someone else is speaking”
• “Paraphrase to ensure understanding”
• “Ask clarifying questions”
• “Wait your turn to speak”
• “Children should be seen, not heard”
• Etc

But do those norms help us to be extraordinary listeners or just capable ones?
I would say, marginally capable, and mostly blind to the filters they created in our brains that we now use to process all information.

So, maybe not even marginally capable.

To be a great leader and a Mindfluent leader, we must be extraordinary listeners and courageously listening!

We believe that through courageously listening, we as leaders are able to earn the respect of our colleagues, discover important issues/ideas that lie right below the surface, encourage innovation, encourage teammate growth and development, show care and build relationships, and increase accomplishments together.

So, what does it look like to be courageously listening?

In one of my Organizational Leadership classes at Gonzaga University, Dr. Horsman (I believe) once said that a great listener is able to “bring out the other’s brilliance.”

I think this phrase summarizes the idea perfectly.

Ideally… through my listening, the other should feel heard, have the space to share all they would like to share, to feel supported, to be encouraged to continue, to open up, and to be vulnerable. Through this process, the other should be able to more easily convey their thoughts, concerns, and ideas just due to the fact that I am the listener. In the end, more brilliant than at the beginning.

I’m always working on this skill and frequently have to remind myself.

Here are the things I’ve caught myself doing that helped or hindered:

• Finish their sentence, thought, idea – Hinder
• Think about the best response I can give or where I need to be next – Hinder
• As a question that is essentially unrelated but something I want to talk about – Hinder
• Look at my cell phone – HINDER!
• Be aware of my own filters that their information is passing through in my head – Help
• Ask a question that helps go in the direction of their sharing – Help
• Assume good intent and be curious – Help
• Made eye-contact, lean in, pay attention to their non-verbal cues, and be emotionally connected to what is being shared – Help
• Ask clarifying questions that help uncover the essence of what they are sharing, helping them to solidify and gain confidence around their own great ideas – Help

Listening is a key leadership skill in our families, at school, in sports, in business, and in our communities.
Courageously listening is a key skill of a Mindfluent Leader.

We can all start practicing this now by simply reminding ourselves to “bring out the other’s brilliance” through our listening.

Do you have any examples where someone was a courageous listener as you spoke?
How about any additions to my Help/Hinder list?

Happy Monday!!

 

#CourageouslyListening

#IntegrallyRelational

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