“Never Stand Out… “

 

Shared by Kristina Smedley

“Never stand out…”

“Don’t stand out, if you don’t have to.”
“Just do a really great job from the background.”
“People won’t like you if you do better than them.”

These were thoughts that used to run through my head frequently.

Based on stories I believed about myself and others.

We are all defined by the stories we tell ourselves…
 Empowered by those positive beliefs we hold.
 And held back by the limiting beliefs we allow to infiltrate our minds.

The limiting beliefs above held me back for many years and still pop up their ugly heads now and then.

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I remember when my family moved from the tiny town of Packwood, WA to the “booming city” of Vancouver, WA before I entered 7th grade.

I was crying as my parents dropped me off that first day.

Thankfully, I made friends that first day and was quickly brought into a great group of girls who had been friends for many years. Many of us are still friends to this day.

But I always had a slight feeling of not fitting in.

I didn’t have all the elementary memories or parents that were best friends.

And I was definitely missing some major pop culture references, styles, and dance moves that everyone else seemed to have (can I still use this as an excuse today?! lol).

The only places where that stuff wouldn’t matter were in the classroom and on the court. I loved my classes. And I couldn’t wait to play volleyball and basketball.

In class and in sports, you just work hard, build your skills, and work together to win. Fitting in socially wouldn’t matter.

Or so I thought.

Turns out, the other kids didn’t like when I did well; at least that’s the story I told myself.

They didn’t like when I got 100% on our tests.
They didn’t like when I scored more points than them in a basketball game.
They didn’t like that I was pretty.

In reality, who knows what these other kids were thinking, what their insecurities were, or if they even cared how I was doing.

But, it only took a few experiences of snide remarks, angry comments, or other perceived put-downs before my inner-critic caught on and jumped into protection mode, creating the stories necessary to keep me safe and ensure I fit it.

“Don’t stand out if you want friends.”
“Keep doing well, but don’t let anyone see.”
“Don’t let anyone down, ever. Be who you need to be to keep everyone happy.”

So, I learned to hide my successes.

This was easy in the classroom.
I just didn’t share, covered my papers, lied when people asked how I did on the test.

Then proudly shared with my parents when I got home.

It wasn’t as easy in sports.
In basketball, I just stopped shooting.
I would no longer risk scoring and upsetting people.

And this wasn’t a decision I consciously made.

I honestly wouldn’t see the opportunity to shoot in the game, but it would be strikingly obvious as I watched game tape afterwards.

My inner-critic was protecting me:
“Pass the ball. She’s open and you’re a better teammate when you don’t shoot.”

Basketball was no longer fun. So, I quit.
Pressure gone. No more need to hide.

But it didn’t solve the problem.
The stories were already in my head.
And they would continue to pop up throughout life… in college, at work, socially.

Regardless of the experiences, accomplishments, and successes seen from the outside, there was always an unseen dampener on the inside ensuring I acted in accordance with my inner-critic’s strategy, that I was sticking with the story.

That is, until recently.

Over the last couple years I have greatly transformed these stories. I’ve learned to care less about what others think. I’ve learned to write new stories.

I have finally approached a space of freedom from this part of my inner critic.

I now know that I must be true to myself first.

I will always be conscientious of others, but it’s not my responsibility to ensure they all feel comfortable at all times.

I’m not in charge of maintaining their status quo.

I’m not responsible for their insecurities that are being reflected back on me.

I am responsible for letting my light shine, for unlocking my own potential and that of others, and for living a life without regrets.

If this requires standing out and being seen, then so be it!

These are the stories I’m now building and writing for myself.

 

#MindfullyEvolving

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