“Hearing vs. Listening…”
Shared by Kristina Smedley
“Hearing vs Listening…”
From my point of view, it seems that many confuse the important differences between hearing and listening. “Yes, I hear you!” they say as they scroll social media while you’re speaking. “Yes, tell me more,” they say in the meeting while they’re responding to email.
Being on the receiving end of this treatment is frustrating, to say the very least.
“Sure, you hear me! But are you listening!” you want to yell.
After all, you weren’t too concerned if their ears were working.
You just wanted some undivided attention.
Unfortunately, this seems to happen all too often.
The more we’re caught up in other people’s online lives…
The more we say YES and can’t keep up with the workload…
The more pressure we put on ourselves and one another to respond instantly to everything…
And the more we want to have a say in the other person’s story…
The more we’re going to miss the connections we could have made.
I read an article from the Gottman Institute (based here in Seattle, btw!) the other day on this topic.
We’ve all heard the statistic: 50% of marriages end in divorce.
John Gottman, a contemporary psychologist best known for being able to predict divorce with over 90% accuracy, did a study with newlyweds and then checked back in with them 6 years later.
The couples that stayed married were always better at one thing – what he calls “Turn Towards Instead of Away.”
This essentially meant that when one partner was bidding for attention, affirmation, affection, or some other form of personal connection… the other partner turned towards them and was present and responsive to their bid.
This same concept holds true in relationships of all types (friends, leader/follower, family, etc) and relates to the strength of the bond in these relationships.
Now, this might be a wild idea, but I’m guessing that…
Scrolling social media,
Staring at the tv,
Writing emails,
Interjecting and interrupting their stories with our own version of the ending,
Or inserting our own diverting comments before they get a chance to finish…
Does not count as Turning Towards.
And there’s no way it counts as good listening!
Breanne and I have written before about the concept of Generative Listening.
When practiced well, Generative Listening builds up the speaker.
They feel listened to and supported.
They know you’re engaged and attentive, without interrupting or distracting their expression.
They may come to understand their own ideas more fully and communicate more skillfully, just due to the fact that you are their listener.
I feel like these are some amazing benefits, for just listening!
If only it were so easy.
I’ve studied and been practicing this for the last 3 years and I still catch myself falling back into old patterns, ones I didn’t even know I had until I tried to improve.
Generative listening requires us to slow down and be there with the other person, rather than be there for ourselves.
I challenge you to join me in paying attention to our listening habits. Are you just hearing or are you truly listening?
And if you think you’re listening, are you showing up for yourself or with the other person? Can you feel the difference?
#CourageouslyListening
#PassionatelyServing
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