“Uncomfortable conversations…”

 

Shared by Breanne Smedley

About mid-way through high school volleyball season last year, my team was struggling.

Skill-wise, we were not lacking.

Height-wise, we were one of the tallest in the league.

We had a good mix of experience, youth, and competitive fire.

Yet, we were dropping sets here and there we shouldn’t have.

And no amount of motivational speeches by me or my coaching staff seemed to be making any difference.

It came to a head when we lost to Woodland in a league matchup.

Not because they were the better team. But because we didn’t play with any sort of cohesion. Heart. Effort.

The absolute worst way to lose. Over the very things that are in our control.

But why?

That question kept me up that night, long after the head pounding meeting with my coaching staff at Applebee’s. Trying to find a solution to that question.

Jill, our JV coach mentioned the topic of trust.

They don’t look like they are playing to their potential, because they don’t trust each other.

“Why should I give full out effort for you, if I don’t trust you’re going to do that for me?”

Great point. But how do we develop trust? Especially now that we are already half way through the season…

That next morning, I called a meeting with our leadership council; a group of five girls on the team.

They were just as frustrated as I was.

I put the question in front of them.

“How can we learn to trust each other?”

Silence. Then, one of the sophomores spoke up.

“Remember in the beginning of the season, when you had us do an activity where each person says one positive contribution that every member brings to the team?

I remembered it. Each team member was put in the “hot seat,” and the 11 other girls took turns listing that player’s positive attributes.

It was a nice, feel-good activity.

The player continued…

“I think we need to do the opposite. We need to call each other out. Tell each other how what we’re doing is taking away from the team.”

Woah, I thought. This could end badly. I imagined all the potential emails I would get from my parents.

The rest of the leadership council jumped on board, though.

“I really think we need to do it,” they continued.

“Okay, let’s do it.” I said, going against the doubts and fears about how this call-out session would turn out.

Once we had the team together, I explained the purpose, talked about how to receive feedback without being defensive. I laid some ground rules.

I could tell some girls were getting physically uncomfortable.

“I’ll go first,” I said. “Each of you needs to write down one thing that I am doing that takes away from this team.”

At this point, my palms began sweating and my heart felt like it would beat out of my chest.

Girls continued to write, and I felt more nervous than I did before matches as a player.

“That girl is still writing. Wow, this must not be good!”
“I should cut them off!”
“I don’t know if I can handle this!”

“Okay, time’s up!” I said. Then sat in the “hot seat” ready to hear all the things my team hated about me.

I felt exposed. Vulnerable. Uncomfortable.

One by one, the girls shared.

“You sugar coat things.”
“Sometimes you don’t tell me why I am pulled out of the game.”
“Be harder on me.”

I could tell they were just as uncomfortable.

It’s easy to talk about the things you don’t like about someone behind their backs.

It’s hard to confront them. Have the difficult conversation.

Then, they did the same for each other.

“You act entitled to your position.”
“I feel like you don’t appreciate me.”
“When you talk to me like that, I shut down.”

It continued. I was amazed.

First, at the vulnerability and bluntness.

Second, the way that people were taking the feedback.

They were taking it well. Asking questions. Saying thank you, that they didn’t realize they were doing that.

At the end, I knew that only time would tell if this actually would work.

In the weeks to follow, girls were having meetings with each other. Ending with tears and hugs.

We had a good end of season ride, too. District champions and fourth in State.

More importantly, the girls started playing with a cohesion that was absent in the first part of the season.

Tim Ferriss once said, “A person’s success in life can usually be measured by the number of uncomfortable conversations he or she is willing to have.”

When we’re uncomfortable in those conversations, we’re vulnerable.

Vulnerability, I’ve come to learn, is the foundation for trust.

And trust is that secret sauce that gets teams to perform.

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