“Triggered Fears…”

 

Shared by Kristina Smedley

“Triggered Fears…”

I was so excited last week to be feeling a little better about the dance parties that were inevitably going to happen every day in my class.

I had dreaded the post-lunch dance party the whole November session.

And I was determined to not feel so miserable and, honestly, insecure and embarrassed this time around.

Day #1 – went ok. Did a little dancing.
Day #2 – feeling even better.
Day #3 – the entire session was focused on our somatic (body sensing) experience and the unusual movements and dancing were actually fun. At the end of the day, I described my experience as “freeing.”

Then Day #4 – all my fears were triggered.

We were back in the classroom, the 20 of us dancing in the open space between our u-shaped tables.

The genre of music was maybe from the 70’s?
I’m not sure, but I didn’t know the songs.

So, I just did my signature swaying / hardly moving “moves.”
Good enough for me. At least I wasn’t feeling terrible about it.

That is, until one of my classmates thought it would be funny to imitate me while saying his imitations out loud… getting others around to sorta join in.

“I’m just here swaying back and forth.”
“Snapping my fingers.”

I tried to play along.
“Close… but I don’t snap my fingers.”
I tried to laugh.

But then I hear, “Don’t mind me. Just pay attention to my huge smile. Don’t notice me moving.”

And I snapped.
In an instant I was pissed. 
Hot.
I’m sure red.

Emotions of insecurity, embarrassment, shame, and fear that I haven’t felt since middle school rushed back in. Memories of being teased about dancing by my peers in front of the group.

“You’re about to elicit my meanness” – a warning – flew out of my mouth.

I think he, and everyone around, quickly got the point.
Meanwhile, the rest of the class danced away, enjoying themselves.

I just tried not to start crying.
And make it through the next 2 songs so I could sit back down. I basically ran back to my seat when the music stopped.

It took me awhile to cool down and think about what just happened.

In many ways, my classmate was just trying to have fun and be silly.

Unfortunately, he ran smack into a hard boundary I’ve surrounded myself by for most of my life. I’m not dancing and therefore no one will make fun of me and I won’t feel insecure and embarrassed.

My inner critic is a pro at enforcing this boundary.
Preventing me from dancing to begin with.
And if I do, knowing exactly what warning to fire if anyone tries to penetrate the wall.

I recognize that most of this situation is of my own creation.
And still, there’s a little piece of me that feels there was some meanness in the teasing.

But really, all that matters is that I’m really sick of the fears that come with some of these self-created, inner-critic enforced barriers that separate me from others, from expression, from freedom.

Ryan shared a perfect quote yesterday: “To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead. Fear is that little darkroom where negatives are developed. You don’t face your fears, you stand up to them. Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important…”

I definitely know that something else is more important. 
Which gives me the courage to keep working on my inner critic.

 

#MindfullyEvolving

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