“Joy…”

 Shared by Kristina Smedley

“Joy…”

To be lighthearted. Free. Radiant. With wonder and curiosity.
Full of love.

Versus how many live their lives.
Filled with worry, restriction, caution. 
Full of fear.

In “Soul Without Shame,” Bryron Brown says:
“One of the greatest sadnesses your heart holds is the loss of that joyful experience of life.”

Joy. This is how I want to live my life.
Filled with abundance. Optimism. Believing anything is possible.

And really, nothing is in my way.
Nothing, that is, except my own inner critic.
My personal judge.

She’s always following me around.
Trying to stop me with “Your not yet qualified.”
Telling me I’m not fit enough.
I must act like a serious professional. 
People will laugh at me if I do this.

“People like me, don’t do that.”
I won’t fit in.

If I give her the benefit of the doubt.
She has good intentions.
Trying to keep me safe. To live within the norms of our society.
To protect my ego.

She wants to make sure that I live up to the ideal vision I have created for myself over the years.
As a toddler, I learned from my parents what’s appropriate. As I watched how they and others interact.
As I internalized what was acceptable, admirable, to be desired. She started to learn how to protect me.

Unfortunately, this judge started following me around (and all of us, btw) at a very early age.
Before I was even 10, this judge was deeply formed. Making sure I stayed in line. Knew the expectations. And would act in accordance. She was keeping me safe.

But, let’s get real.
I’m 36 now. 
I don’t need a little shoulder passenger, traveling with me everywhere, telling me what to do.

Instilling worry, fear, and insecurities. Holding me back.
This is the absolute opposite of living a life of Joy.

Don’t get me wrong. 
I’m living a pretty great life, filled with much opportunity and happiness.
And I don’t take this for granted for a second.

And I guess I could just keep going with this. And probably live a pretty good life.
But, why settle for pretty good.
Why not aim for great. Amazing. Impactful. To make a difference.

It all starts with me.
And I’m seeing more and more that it starts with addressing my inner judge.
Shutting her up. Taking back control of my life.

It’s hard to cut someone out though. To get rid of a huge voice in my life and change the narrative in my head.
To say that dancing is ok and fun, regardless what she says.
To believe big butts and thighs are awesome. No one is rapping about pointy butt bones and thighs that don’t touch!

It’s difficult and scary to look into myself deeply. To see what’s really going on and take a stand to push back.

This hard work is worth it though, because I know what it enables.
I know it will enliven my confidence, my relationships, my abilities, and my life experience.

Given the choice, I choose to work through the challenge.
The pain is worth it.

 

#MindfullyEvolving

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