“My not To-Do list…”

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 Shared by Breanne Smedley

“My not To-Do list…”

I have a problem that I struggle with often.

I say “yes,” when I really want to say “no.”

Yes, I’ll stay after school for two hours to meet with you.

Sure, I’ll take on that team.

I’d love to go to your party (even if it’s the fourth event I’ve committed to that day).

Then the cycle begins. I say yes to whatever was offered, and I know immediately I made a bad choice. The gut never lies.

Then I dread the countdown to the event, project, or meeting that I really should have said no to.

Then I get bitter.

“Why am I doing this again?” “I could be spending time with Charlee and Brett right now.” “I could be working out.” “Why did (so and so) even ask me in the first place. They know I’m busy.” And so on…

I don’t want to let people down. I fear the tension. I don’t want to deal with the social awkwardness by saying no. I don’t want to burn bridges. What if I get FOMO?!

Today, I listened to a couple of chapters from Greg Mckeown’s book “Essentialism: The disciplined pursuit of less.”

In it, he mentioned that when we say yes too quickly, and commit to things that we know we don’t want to, we are often trading popularity for respect.

We can say no, and regret it for a few minutes while we fear how the other person will respond, or we can say yes (enjoy the rush of pleasing someone), but regret it for days, months, or years to come.

Turns out, when we are able to say no firmly and gracefully, people actually respect us more.

Popularity vs Respect. We’ve been told since we were in grade school that we should seek the latter.

He also noted that every time we say “yes,” there is a trade-off. Something must be sacrificed to make room. Are you willing to sacrifice whatever that is?

Money. Time. Energy. Resources.

So, how do we balance it? How do we say yes to what is essential, and no to what is not?

The answer is both simple, and complicated.

First, we have to identify what is truly essential to us. What matters to me and my growth as a leader, wife, mother, person?

What are the essential ways I want to spend my time to reflect this growth?

This was the complicated part. I had to really sit down and answer these questions for myself.

Here’s what I came up with (it’s still a work in progress):

-I want to intentionally develop myself as a Mindfluent Leader, teacher, and coach

-I want to exercise most days of the week

-I want to spend as much time with Charlee after work as possible, being there for bedtime most days of the week

-I want to make and eat dinner with Brett at home most days of the week

Now, the simple part.

Say “no” to all the non-essential activities and commitments in order to say “yes” to what truly matters.

Now, back to complicated. It’s not that easy to say no! They (my boss, colleague, friend) need me, there’s no one else!

Say no anyway. We often think that our help is somehow unique. It’s not.

You’ll feel better, be a better leader, and be able to serve more effectively if you’re not over-committed to things that don’t further your mission in life.

Saying no is a skill (that must be developed and practiced), and an essential leadership capability. Mckeown gives some great ideas on how to “say no and gracefully uncommit” with a basic framework.

  1. Affirm the relationship
  2. Thank the person for the opportunity
  3. Politely and firmly decline

Some examples:

“I’m flattered you thought of me. Thank you, but I can’t fit that on my plate right now.”

“I am consumed with another project right now, but I’d love to get together when that is finished.”

“Let me check my calendar and get back to you.” (Allows you a little time to pause and reflect rather than have to say yes immediately)

“I can’t do it, but (another person) might be interested”

“Yes, I would be happy to do this for you. What should I deprioritize?” (Make sure to use some situational awareness for this one :))

Of course, there’s always the “Nope!” Use of humor can be effective.

Like everyone else, my to-do list is long. While difficult for me, I’m trying to lengthen my “Not to-do list” instead.

Wish me luck!

 

#MindfullyEvolving

#PassionatelyServing

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