“My worst nightmare…”

 Shared by Breanne Smedley

“My worst nightmare…”

I went bungee jumping once. 
It was in Mexico, over the Pacific Ocean.

My friend and I decided it might be fun, and I never knew when I’d get an opportunity like that again.

I was afraid, but I jumped anyways.

I’ve done a lot of other scary things since then.

Lifted heavy weights that I didn’t know I could. 
Started a career in teaching that I didn’t know if I’d like. 
Spoke in front of hundreds of people. 
Co-founded a business 
Became a mom.

The last one has filled me with fear countless times over the past year.

I remember waking up in a cold sweat when Charlee was only a few weeks old. Brett and I were still in a sleepless haze

My eyes popped open, and I shot out of bed.

“Where’s the baby?!?” I panicked as my hands felt around the bed.

I feared that I had fallen asleep with her in my arms and had rolled over on her in my sleep.

I looked over the bed to find her sleeping soundly in her bassinet.

Relief. But each stage brought it’s own new fears.

Eating solids. “What if she chokes?”
Starting to walk. “What if she falls and cracks her head open?”

Life is full of these fears. 
Some legitimate. 
Most made up in our minds.

But there’s one fear that I have in my life that has been a constant driving force.

It’s the fear that I will reach the end of my life, and realize with regret that I have wasted my time, effort, and opportunities on things that don’t matter.

Fear that I will come face to face with the person that I could have been.

Fear that my kids won’t be able to say with confidence, what their mother stood for in this life.

Fear that I just spent my time passively making my way through.

Living for the next house, car, vacation.
The next pay raise. 
The next stage in life.

Achieving arbitrary goals as a measure of happiness.

These are the things that fill me with fear more than anything else.

Which is why I’ll always pursue the challenge-based life, rather than passively live.

Measuring my happiness through growth and influence, rather than external achievements.

To use my life as a way to amplify the lives and passions of others, rather than accumulate material wealth.

Because to reach the end, and wish I could have done it over, differently.

That would be my worst nightmare.

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